Dear John (1),
The last 10 years were good ones. You were always there for me. Don't take this personally, but it's just not working (2) for me anymore.
I can no longer put up with your complaining (3). It's time for you to move on (4). I'm sure you will find someone else who will take you (5).
Don't try to change my mind, because you can't. I have already found someone new (6), and we are deeply in love. He cares about the environment (7), takes up much less space and is much taller (8). My life (9) is so much better now. Yes, he has already moved in, which is why you have been sleeping on the back porch.
Goodbye forever. I hope I never see you again.
1) My old washer and dryer.
2) Your drying function.
3) The loud noise you make during the spin cycle.
4) To a landfill... or perhaps a parts shop.
5) If I put you on the curb, I'm sure someone will pick you up.
6) Whirlpool Duet Sport.
7) Uses one third the water, and dries in half the time.
8) Because they stack!
9) My laundry room.