I stumbled upon this the other day..... Jay's version of Collin's birth. It has been years since I read this, so I enjoyed a good laugh like I did the first time. It's quite skewed (in more ways than one), and very different than my own version of the events, but I thought you might enjoy it too.
[If you know Jay, you can imagine him saying this. If you don't know Jay, you might be confused, so let me explain that people often say that Jay could have had a successful career as a stand-up comedian (thank goodness he didn't choose that). ]
May 11, 1999
We've had an eventful week. The week before didn't end too well as I was at work Friday and the Arrowhead water guy comes around the corner and hands me a free bottle of water as an anniversary gift... I guess it had been exactly one year since we changed from Hinkley & Schmitt, and I forgot. After that I was hoping that the baby would come the next weekend because that water guy was pretty upset that I had forgotten our special day and I didn't think that I wanted to face him that next Monday.
Well, as luck would have it, Alice went into the hospital (1) Monday morning as I was trying to think up another excuse to stay home. Alice was in labor all that day and through the night. My parents dropped by around dinner time with some Chinese food that smelled especially good to Alice since she wasn't allowed to eat. Unfortunately, they forgot to bring utensils, so it looked like I couldn't eat either. With any other kind of food this wouldn't be too much of a problem, but the rice and chicken bits were impossible to handle. I though they must have some utensils in one of the 10,000 drawers in our little delivery room, so I started looking. After snooping through all of those drawers, I found these shiny salad forks that were better for scooping up rice than any fork or spoon (all of the food falls off of those things by the time you get them to your mouth anyway). These things were like sterile shovels for food.
Alice had read several books to learn more about baby deliveries, but nothing seemed to happening like the books said it would. The labor pains affected by the pitocin were getting to be (2) so intense that the nurse recommended an epidural. I wasn't sure about Alice, but I knew I couldn't take these contractions much longer. Before the non-English speaking anesthesiologist could do her work I had to sign a waiver that said that epidurals may cause drowsiness, metallic taste in the mouth, tingling in the feet, or death. The "death" part concerned me so I asked the doctor if that had ever happened. She assured me that it hadn't, but they had to put it in the waiver to make it worth their lawyer's time. Well, she knew just enough English to make you think she had no idea what she was doing. She just kept saying, "Blah, blah, blah, uh-oh, dat is bera bad.... can you still fill you ligs?" After it was all over though, the pain was less and the labor went faster (3).
Finally, at 2:46 a.m. Collin was born all at once (4). I had never seen this kind of thing happen before.... he was so long that the doctor seemed to keep pulling him out for some time... kinda like the beginning of "Star Wars" when that Imperial Cruiser is going overhead and it keeps going and going and going. He had hair all over him and when they put that little ski cap on his head, he looked ready to knock over a Circle-K, except he had no clothes on, and he was purple (5).
I've had the past week off from work and have been able to spend some time with my good wife and the boy. He cries a lot, but it's like everyone said, "It's different when it's your own child." I just keep thinking of the day when he'll be mowing the lawn on Saturday morning while I stroll leisurely around the house, and it all seems worth it. The neighbors have been bringing by the most mysterious things for dinner ever since Alice got home from the hospital. There should be a law against mixing rice, cottage cheese, meat, and zucchini for human consumption, but until then, it will continue to show up on our doorstep with a note that says, "Cook @ 300 degrees for 30 minutes, and then, throw it away.... far away."
FOR THE RECORD:
1) I did NOT go into labor on my own.... my water broke and 24 hours later I was forced to go to the hospital and put on a pitocin drip. Ugh.
2) "Getting to be intense?" Whatever.
3) The labor did NOT go faster after the epidural.... 9 hours more is NOT fast! (18 hours total)
4) Collin did NOT come out all at once.... it was very slowly during 2 hours of pushing!
5) Dark purple.